Journal Entry: Sat Feb 14, 2015, 9:59 AM
Happy Valentines Day for all you people behind a day!! Hope your day is great and spent it with loved ones or close friends! I spent it with my family ;-; sad but oh well I love em so yeah! I also got Majora's Mask Remake to make myself feel better, also chilled with a close friend then spent the rest of the day with my dad.
Anyways; I've kinda been wanting to put my thoughts to writing, about how I feel my art has shaped myself as a person. I've been drawing since god knows when I've always loved it, I started with crayons, coloured/lead pencils like most kids, back then they were crappy sketches, later on I had become a bit more intrigued with art around 8 years old, I really loved the TV show Yu-gi-oh and collected the cards and always sketched the cards on big A4 pages. Every time my dad saw my fan arts he loved them and told me to keep drawing all the time. The encouragement I dare say that my dad actually gave me, saying that "if you keep it up you'll only get better, I believe in you so you should keep at drawing" really pushed and kept me at it. Honestly as I'm writing this I've just come to realization that he actually inadvertently shaped the way I am today. I know it doesn't seem odd since well he's my dad and that he would want the best out of his child, but my life wasn't normal so to speak I really only got to see my dad like once a week for a short period at a time back then, I treasured every second that he was there and that comment had really stuck and made me push hard at what I do. I never traced any of my images I always eye'ed them off and tried to get them as close as possible to the original, relatively size wise, I really hated it when someone said "oh you just traced it, you didn't draw it" cause I spent my time on every line on every spot to make it look right to me and it just really hurt when people didn't believe me, I was and still am a perfectionist to an extent; I dislike it when I see something out of place that I've done since it just sits there and screams "FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Back then where I lived the "Internet" didn't really exist till I was basically in middle school in Grade 8 btw that was only 10 years ago ;-;. So I was really unaware of other people creating art or making amazing pictures other than from magazines, movies, friends and what not. Everyone I knew didn't really draw cause they had no interest in it, so I couldn't really talk about my art other than with some of my close friends or family really, like most kids looking for validation in what they do. So it never really became something worth going to hard for other than my personal hobby.
Moving onto middle school, really only getting onto the internet just for school and on the side misbehaving and exploring google images of random crap mostly dragons and seeing what other people have created, all that amazing stuff had really caught me off guard, since there was such a community but being so new to even browsing the web really it didn't even occur to me to even look for stuff like that. I still drew stuff along the same stuff of what I did before, but even still during my middle to even high-school years I really never made any friends that had that interest with drawing like I did or really seemed interested if I drew something. I took art/computing class cause well I love art and even the people that took the class still didn't seem that interested or really cared what I may have created so again didn't really do anything for me artistic wise. But at around I dunno year 10 I dare say I finally decide that I should join DeviantArt since every time I google image something this site was ALWAYS attached to it. I figured I'd make my first attempt to really join the Internet and make better use than just using images as references and just sketching them, I always looked for tutorials to get better since well no one has ever taught me how to draw, I would have LOVED to have been taught some techniques but oh well. Not once did I ever think I'd make friends on DA so it really was a shock that other people had similar thought patterns as myself. Now I don't claim I was a good artist, all I ever said was that "I can draw" cause saying I'm a good artist was/is pretentious given that I only ever replicated images into sketches.
To put the internet use into perspective the first online game I played was "Call of Duty: Black Ops" I'm pretty sure which came out 2010. We had internet but again it was like just superficial stuff that I was ever looking for or mostly school work. I never really had too much of an interest past that. So I never even knew what WOW (world of warcraft) was or stuff like that. I wanted to play Warcraft 3 cause I love Starcraft and thought that WC looked amazing since it was 3D but I was too poor to afford it.
Going onto my last years of school 11-12 I had gotten a few images onto DA but alas photoshop was like learning how to ride a bike on top of learning how to use a tablet for the first time as well. So my first few images looked terrible by today's standards but they are the building blocks to where I am now. Given that in year 12 my computing class was god awful and I was teaching the teacher how to use photoshop by then, really pissed me off cause I went to learn it better yet the teacher assigned had no knowledgeable experience with the program except the basics. But since I was in that class it really boosted my moral since I was really the only one with a fair amount of knowledge on how to draw in photoshop and what not. I felt like even though the teacher didn't help AT ALL...... my skill had jumped a fair amount.
But I feel like a few people on DA know this feeling all to well, someone younger or possible your age is better than you by like 10 fold when you click on their gallery then go to their profile or what not and see that they are just like you but a class above. Browsing DA is like amazing and horrible at the same time. Cause one hand it's like "Wow that's freaking amazing" and at the same time it's like they probably spent 1hr on it, eyes closed and could do it upside down; whilst when I/yourself tries to draw it takes FOREVER to even begin an idea at times. It's really demoralizing to see someone younger or around your age do these amazing arts that inspire, create wonder. When you know you try SO DAMN HARD to make yourself stand out or better yourself. There have been days where I woke up at 8-9am started drawing ill 1am and it still looks like nothing and crappy; then to see someone else create thier picture but in like 3-5hrs and with such higher quality really makes me wanna stop drawing cause its just like WTF have I been doing this entire time when this person is like a freakin master at my age. I know it seems childish but from someone who has been drawing all their life and CRAVED another person that has my same interest it really hurts from a creators stand point. But like when your a child it's again the validation that probably hurts the most since well no one wants to see poor art, but again I've been on DA for 6 years now and I've seen some poor art in my time. To see someone make a blunt doodles a 2 year old would do, have more validation over someone who spent blood, sweat, tears and hours on end to make something for the world to see and it gets nothing but a mere glimpse and forgotten is heart breaking. But alas this is the Internet of today you are only as relevant as from the time of your last submission.
Moving on after my school years were done I had been getting better at photoshop I was making recreations of my favorite scenes of lilo and stitch, cause I freaking loved that movie and kinda identified myself with stitch quite a bit since well he's different and doesn't really fit in at the beginning, then becomes family and sorta fits right into place however dysfunctional it may have been. Now that was certainly an image I got flak for just screen capping but again I eye'ed it all off and tried my damn hardest to make it look right. The only reason the colours are as close as they are, because of the eye dropper honestly. This was around the time I was out of highschool and like every other time all my friends moved away or did their own thing. I really only stayed in touch with a couple of friends after school finished and the rest were Facebook friends that I would message on occasion if at all. That's not to say I hated anyone just people move on or rarely speak to each other.
But after that my picture of stitch I was drawing were getting a lot of messages and lots of love it really boosted my moral for sure. It also kinda cemented the way I draw as well, which to an extent I'm trying to change and explore my own style a bit more. But anyways even at this point still I've yet to make any friends that even have the slightest interest in art except for some friend that thought it was cool nothing more. But one day I get a really odd comment that I've never had before I figure what harm in the reply I said I use photoshop CS3 and a basic wacom bamboo tablet. We keep talking and talking and eventually I just said hey lets umm bring this over to notes and I'll hide the comments on the image. If you guys see a picture with an absurd amount of comments you'll know which one it was. We keep talking every day, then eventually I get asked "lets talk on FB" and be friends on there. So we do that and we just talked for hours on end, we may not have met personally or seen each other before but there was a common interest "Art". At this point I had finally found someone or in this case they found me, that likes art so much as I do and can appreciate it the same way I do! I really felt good to finally have a damn conversation about art that didn't finish "cool" "yeah"; I had an actual response for the first time and could really delve into what art was or how to draw and share my love for drawing an ideas. Since we met on DA its really humbling to know that there was someone else like me and had similar interests our friendship grew to what it is today. Having someone like that finally in my life really changed the way I drew, it gave a sorta new life, more motivation and will to do it, since there was someone that can give advice, opinions and what not. He's certainly influence my life beyond art and how I go about things, put some things into perspective to say the very least. I'd like to think he is one of my closest friends by far that I've come to known, I may have only known him for a few years now but it feels like we grew up with each other and I really appreciate all that's been done for me.
Now to get to the now. Atm I feel like I'm content with myself that I can just move on from being petty/envious/childish about other people being better yes it sucks but that's life. It was only just last year that I was on the verge of a break down with my art and honestly nearly gave up altogether cause it got to the point of "what the fuck was the god damn point to all this" I just was like I'm at this age doing nothing with my life, art. What was the real point of even drawing if someone can just outclass me in my life's work that I've been trying so FUCKING hard to be good at yet I'm more like a piss in the wind. I honestly had just been broken down, I stopped drawing for a looooooooooooooooong time about 6-8 months without drawing. I wasn't working I was pretty much alone when no one could hang or anything left to wonder wtf am I seriously doing. The life of an artist at least for me has been extremely lonely I'm not gunna lie, there have been time where just having someone there really just helps my mood. I can live my life as a loner but it certainly emotionally hurts at times to know that I could be alone for a long time. I dunno wtf I'm saying atm but its cathartic to write it. I do get emotional from time to when I'm alone and just seem to seethe in the what if's or whatever.
But you know what?? I don't think I would change anything honestly cause I'm here where I am because of whats happened, I'd hate to see where I would be and what life would be like if it went right, like if my dad was home, school was really helpful in terms of my art, mathematics. Stuff like that. But like I said I wouldn't change it cause I met one of the most cherished people in my life because of the life I've had. If it went the other way I don't think I would have ever met my dear friend the way that I did and that would be a world I don't wanna be in. Yes my life has been hard not as hard as some but it has shaped me to what I am now. I wish nothing but happiness/good health to my friends, family and just anyone who took their time to read this dribble as it has been very arduous to write this.
Thanx for reading part of my life. If I did offend you in some way I'm sorry, I can't help the person I am, I just hope you can forgive and move on like I've learn to in my life as "Shit happens it just does" and there isn't much you can do about it other than to be civil and move on from it.
Also rip to my dog jack from last year that was quite possible the hardest thing in my life I've ever dealt with in terms of severe emotional pain.
Again thanx for reading I'm sorry for this huge post but I needed to write this. It's 3:30am here so have a great day/night/arvo/mornin.
Listening to: Someday - Nickelback
Reading: Text messages
Watching: Top 10 Cult Classic Video Games
Playing: Clash of Clans
Eating: Cherry Ripe